For eight months Casey has been persistent in requesting another blog post from me. Up to now I’ve declined, using the “I’m too busy” excuse. But in reality, I’ve tried to write something several times and all I’ve wanted to say is, “I want to go home”.

When Andi became sick in third semester, I rapidly began to lose my sense of security. Up to that point I’d managed to cling to a sense of calm and control.  Despite having moved to an almost third world country, having left our St. Cloud, MN refuge and comfort, and having pushed my mental and physical stamina to maximum capacity, I still was able to maintain a reassurance in my core that helped me to see beyond the normal challenges and occasional pitfalls of medical school.

Then, in the middle of third semester with Casey and Tanner back in the States, Andi was diagnosed with Probable Lupus, and I began to unravel.  That sense of security to which I’d feebly been able to wrap around me was gone, I was afraid, and I felt completely vulnerable.

I recognized this as a life-altering turning point where both my faith in God and my commitment to this path I’d chosen must now be examined in depth, and as a result both would either be abandoned or strengthened.  I know this sounds extreme, but I also hope it gives you some insight into how truly troubling this was for me.  I had felt so sure that coming here was the right thing for our family.  Casey and I both did. But now my baby girl, my first born, was herself being pushed to her emotional and physical maximum.  I was willing to bear the burdens I’d chosen to place on my own shoulders, but now Andi had her own burdens for which she hadn’t asked, and they were forcing her to make impossibly hard choices.

Being on this island has medical disadvantages. The blood products at the hospital do not include platelets, and one of Andi’s complications is a low platelet count. These little proteins in her blood are vital in the clotting process.   It’s not that her body doesn’t make them, or even enough of them, it’s that they are getting trapped in her spleen, and as a result, her spleen is enlarged.  An enlarged spleen is at risk of rupturing, and if that happens with low platelets, the results could be deadly.  Andi felt trapped too.  And so did I.

Choices: Option 1) Andi stays back in the States with dad near good medical care.  Option 2) Andi comes back to the island with Mom and risk the poor medical care. Option 3) I quit medical school and we all go home.

I was all but decided that the third option was the right one.  Who would fault a mother for this choice? My children are my first priority. We could slowly pay off the almost 100K debt I had accumulated thus far. Casey would go back to work and Andi could be home, in St Cloud, by me, and by her friends –in a secure place she has known her whole life.  Wouldn’t it be far superior to have her in the U.S. should the worst case scenario come true?

Or, could we stay?  Andi loves her dad, but when given the impossibly hard task of choosing, she opted for mom.  Could we both stay?  Why would I do this?  Is this fair?  Is this selfish?  Is this right?  After crying tears enough to fill the ocean all around me and battling my vulnerability into the wee hours of the mornings, I had to admit to myself that I already knew why I should stay.

Back up in time more than 20 years when my beloved sister, Amy, died of cancer.  Her death brought solidity to my faith in God that has endured. I know God loves me and that I am His daughter.  I have literally felt heaven’s embrace.  If He told me He would bless and sanction my choice to come to medical school and that it would be a positive experience for my entire family, well then, this was the trial of that faith.

So, we stayed.

I have been hoping since this choice for some reassurance.  Andi struggled to deal with her new health challenges and the effects it was having on her life.  She has tried to make new friends and succeed in school even while missing so many days.  It has not been easy. And, I have waffled. Still, am I doing the right thing? If I’d felt staying was the right thing, why was this not becoming any easier?

One day a boy in Andi’s gym class accidently hit her hard in her upper left side, right where her spleen is. Michelle received the emergency phone call from Andi’s school that she had been injured.  All the feelings of fear and vulnerability came flooding back – my little girl.  I had asked her to stay with me and to trust in God.  What if her spleen was ruptured? I called the office and asked if she seemed dizzy, could they check her blood pressure. And I drove as fast as I could.  Scenes of horror crept into my imagination and I had to pray with every ounce of my faith for them to leave.  Andi was shaken when I picked her up, probably not as much as me, because I had guilt to carry as well.  Although she was fine, I still wanted reassurance that keeping her here, all of us here, was the best choice.

Carina, do you know you’re doing the right thing?  Do you?

6

A few months later, well into 4th semester, Casey, Andi, and I woke up early on Saturday morning.  I was so happy because finally Casey and Tanner had come back to the island and my family was reunited. I had worked on becoming strong without Casey physically by my side since last fall, but now having him back with Tanner as well had been such a boon to me.  Being able to lean on his strength again gave me respite.

We had volunteered to help at a free medical clinic in the Dutch Quarter, one of the poorest areas of the island.  This was a joint experiment between the Ministry of Health, the med school, and a private doctor, and I had been invited to participate in the first ever trial run.  I was excited and terrified. Casey and Andi volunteered as extra hands to help setup, serve food, and generally lend a hand. With a handful of other students, I would use the clinical and basic science knowledge I’ve been acquiring since I began school here last January.

9

When we arrived, there were lines of people who had come to receive free care, some of whom had already been waiting for hours.  My heart began to race and I prayed that I would be able to help, to care, and to comfort those who had come.  When they looked at me I could see in their eyes the trust they had for me, and it was humbling.  There were young children hovering under their mother’s wings.  There were elderly with cataract filled gazes who held stroked-atrophied hands, and there were many who came because it was free care and they wanted a check-up.

4

I signed a confidentiality waiver, so I can’t go into great details, but I can say that my partner Alex and I started the day working in the station that took vital signs.  We measured blood pressure, heart rate, blood oxygenation, height, weight, and temperature.  My only practice before this was with Casey, Andi, Tanner, Michelle, and especially, Piper (she loves playing both patient and doctor)!  This felt different.  It felt real.

And I LOVED it!

3a

I know my hands were shaky at first, but within a few minutes, calmness came.  Soon I was moved to the heart exam station, where I stayed for several hours, asking people personal questions about their bodies, about their life-styles, about their family history, it was so… I can’t even think of the right words to describe it.  I felt connected. Many had no insurance, no jobs, and no money. What an honor it was to serve them and to see the gratitude in their faces.

This was it.  This was the reassurance for which I’d been searching. I knew now that I was in the right place, and that staying had been the right choice.

2a

Andi is still dealing with her maladies.  School is still unimaginably hard.  Casey and Tanner have again returned to the States after a two month stay.   But through it all, vulnerability is leaving and security and confidence are taking its place.

I’m writing this post as a one-day-old, fifth semester.  Fourth semester finals were yesterday.  This is my final semester of basic sciences at the American University of the Caribbean. I can hardly believe it.  I will continue to work hard. I will continue to push the limits and to trust in God. I could not have come this far without the immense help from my family. They have sacrificed so much.

12

I dedicate this journey to my kids. Already Andi and Tanner have learned that life is not predictable.  There are speed-bumps all along the way. I hope they will be able to take courage and work hard for their dreams keeping God close by their side.

Walking to Baie Long on the morning just before Andi, Tanner and I flew back to the U.S.  Tanner and I would stay, Andi was just going back briefly for more tests.  The battery on the camera died just after taking this pic, so no beach photos.

Walking to Baie Long on the morning just before Andi, Tanner and I flew back to the U.S. Tanner and I would stay, Andi was just going back briefly for more tests. (The battery on the camera died just after taking this pic, so no beach photos.)

 

 

Written on April 25th, 2013 , AUC: American University of the Caribbean

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COMMENTS
    Donna Siech commented

    Thanks for sharing all of This Cari. It comes at a very rough time in my life away second daughter faces breast cancer. You have lifted me tonight.

    Reply
    April 26, 2013 at 12:58 am
      Carina commented

      Thank you, Donna. Kayte is in our prayers. We love you all. I hope you find comfort.

      Reply
      April 30, 2013 at 12:28 am
    Jan Tindall commented

    Thanks for sharing your struggle and your joy. Your whole family has responded with courage and faith, and I am grateful for the “inside look.” You were meant to be a healer, there is no doubt in my mind.

    Reply
    April 26, 2013 at 3:03 am
      Carina commented

      Jan- thank you!!! Can you remember when I was a little girl and I told you I wanted to be a waitress when I grew up? You told me, “oh, Cari, you can do so much more…” I was sad at the time because waitressing seemed so exciting, but in retrospect I’m glad you gave me a nudge;) I hope you and your family are doing well.

      Reply
      April 30, 2013 at 12:34 am
    melinda commented

    I heart you Carina. You and your family are unbelievably inspirational. My love to all the Crookstons!

    Reply
    April 26, 2013 at 12:11 pm
      Carina commented

      I heart you back!!

      Reply
      April 30, 2013 at 12:35 am
    R.O. Despain commented

    Good to hear from you. As I told Casey, when August gets here you’ll be surprised how soon it happened.

    All best,
    R.O.

    Reply
    April 26, 2013 at 4:13 pm
      Carina commented

      Thank you! I’m looking forward to our reunion.

      Reply
      April 30, 2013 at 12:36 am
    Sadie commented

    This was beautiful. You are amazing.

    Reply
    May 9, 2013 at 3:16 pm
    Rebecca commented

    Cari,
    Thank you fro writing this. I cried. I have also wondered if I was doing the right thing. It’s so hard to know when you are waiting for an answer. That confirmation is wonderful.

    Now you are home, waiting for the next step in this adventure! My prayers are with you.
    =)

    Reply
    September 17, 2013 at 4:52 am

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